A Judgmental Stare: Why Is a Stranger’s Gaze So Unsettling?

If you’re a special needs parent, the following situation might strike a chord. Imagine you’re out with your child doing something mundane like getting groceries or playing at a park. Then at some point, the inevitable happens: your kid engages in what is typical and accepted behavior for the two of you, but which bluntly announces her difference to the world at large. Maybe it’s hand-flapping, body-rocking, grunting, or repetitive speech.

And that’s when you notice someone in the vicinity. The person is giving your child a look you have witnessed time and again: a mixture of confusion, fear, and slight repulsion. It’s a look that sometimes makes your heart sink. Other times, it makes your blood boil, and you can barely stop yourself from walking over and giving the clueless bystander a lecture on the virtues of human difference and neurodiversity.

Why does a stranger’s judgmental stare have the power to unsettle you and shake you to your core? The answer is complicated and multilayered.

On a basic level, that person’s uncomprehending gaze momentarily breaks the connection you have with your child. By noticing her stare and interpreting her nonverbal language, you’re temporarily forced to view your child through the stranger’s eyes. You’re essentially “othering” your own kid — and that’s when…